Thoughts on Self-Worth

Having more random thoughts today...I guess I shouldn't say "random" as they are like ongoing thoughts that I am both praying and sorting out in my head. I am thinking that my blog is going to be a type of journal for me, so, if you care to know what goes on inside of my brain, just check back often. Although I will warn you, it isn't always going to be pretty! I am just feeling that I need a place to just express, ya know?

Today's thoughts are centering around self-worth, namely mine. Lately, I have been really restless. I've been trying to find a writing job online or something that I can do to earn some extra money and utilize my skills. I've also been considering online classes in counseling as well. Yet, it seems that today I find myself asking, "What is your motivation, Tina?" (Or, maybe this is really the Holy Spirit prompting me to ask this of myself.)

It seems that lately I am living with this sense of guilt over not having a "job" of some kind. Maybe it is because my sons are in school now and my daughter Ellie goes to preschool 3 days a week. Even this is a source of guilt for me, that my daughter is in preschool. I never thought I would send a child so young to preschool, especially since I am at home. But, in reality, my daughter begged to go and just assumed she would since her brothers do. She actually gets very upset on the days that she doesn't go! She wakes up in the morning ready to go somewhere, if not to school, then to the Y. She just enjoys it and is learning so much.

Yet, there is the condemning guilt that hangs over me sometimes. "You have no children at home with you, and you still don't work! You are useless." There is mixed with this guilt another accompanying guilt, and that is that I actually enjoy the alone time. Eeek! I said it. On the other hand, I truly think it is the peace that God has given me in knowing that my children are where they need to be at this time in our lives.

Honestly, my dream/desire is for our family to be in full-time ministry together; in the mission field in some fashion. I believe it would be ideal to work with my husband and for our children to be with us as well, working and serving the Lord by ministering to others. I wouldn't have a problem with homeschooling whatsoever if we did it as a family in that type of lifestyle. But, to homeschool with the sole responsibility being upon me just isn't feasible or ideal at all. Frankly, I don't even consider it extremely healthy for my children to homeschool in that fashion and our lifestyle at this time. I am just very grateful that we have been blessed to have the option of sending our children to a private Christian school, even though it is still not my ultimate dream or desire for us. I know it is where they need to be for the time, as they are thriving and growing both academically and spiritually as well.

I got off on a bit of a rabbit trail there, but back to self-worth and where it derives. I remember when I did homeschool, I could at least say "my job is that I am a homeschooling mom." In other words, "I pull my load. I don't waste my time. I'm with my children all day, etc." Likewise, when my children were little babies, I could say "I am a nursing mom. I stay-at-home with my babies, etc." I have realize that this gave me a sense of self-worth. I didn't know it, but I was deriving my value from what I did, not who I was or more importantly whose I was.

It happens so subtlely. You don't know you are doing it. I didn't know. As the famous song says, "I once was blind but now I see." I see it clearly, yet what am I to do about it? I guess that is where I'm at. I have nothing from which to derive my sense of value or self-worth. I'm not teaching my children academics. I'm not pursuing or working in a career. I have no babies to nurse. Yes, I'm still doing laundry, that never ending duldrum. Oh, and I'm still cleaning and Facebooking. Should I begin to derive my value from the quality of my blog posts now or the way in which I fold my towels? Professional towel-folder. Okay, I'm drifting again...

I am reminded of the scripture in which Jesus is teaching his disciples and basically telling them to let go of their pride and their man-made titles. He tells them to call no one rabbi or father on this earth. In a way, Jesus just wasn't into titles. I think probably our best title should be that of "child of God" or "disciple of Jesus." From this alone I must learn to derive my self-worth, my sense of value.

Could I go out and find a full-time job outside of the home? I guess so. Do I want to? No. If it was imperative for me to do that for financial reasons, then I certainly would, but that's not the case. Do I want serve and live for the Lord in a mighty way that touches many lives? Yes. But what is even more important is that I want to desire my relationship with my Lord and Savior more than all of that. I believe He must be teaching me to put all my faith and trust in Him, not in man or myself, or what I even do for Him for that matter. To not be concerned of my reputation or the way others may view me. Maybe I need to learn the value of just "being."

I certainly saw the value of just "being" when I was in Ethiopia. We met a handsome young man named Korsa who exemplifed the beauty of "just being." His duty was as a guard of the guesthouse we stayed in. He slept in a tiny room the size of a trailer closet with one little bed and a light bulb hanging from the ceiling, and all he did day after day was open the gate and close the gate for the cars to come in and out. But, the godliness of this fellow was radiant showing in his face at all times. The pure joy of the Lord oozed from every pore. It was supernatural shalom and peace to be with him. (Ah, thank you for this memory, Lord, of Korsa. Make me like him, Lord.)

Things that make me go "ummmm." Will continue later...please feel free to post any comments you might have, encouraging or not. I'd love some input...