"Boundaries are the personal property lines which define who we are, what we are responsible for, and where we have limits and limitations." (Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend).
So often (and this has definitely been the case for me many times) we as believers have a very difficult time setting up boundaries, especially in our marriage for fear that we are being selfish, unloving, or unsubmissive. It tragically affects the most sincere, devout of Christians who earnestly desire to follow the Lord with their whole hearts. There are literally hundreds (if not thousands) of Christian books which perpetuate this attitude that to set boundaries is to be rebellious or divisive in some way.
Yet, I am beginning to realize that healthy boundaries within all relationships is something that God himself put within us. His value for us is so great that He desperately wants us to value ourselves enough to have certain boundaries in place within our lives, yes, even within the marriage. The only boundary that we are never to set up is a boundary between us and the Holy Spirit. This boundary involves sin and will quench His Spirit within us. We belong to the Lord, therefore every part of our lives belongs to Him, and we should strive to follow Him with obedience and love in every way.
I came across these boundary myths and thought they were particularly well-written. I believe these are taken from the book "Boundaries Within Marriage" by Dr. Henry Cloud and John Townsend. I have not read this book yet, but it seems to me it is one that is going to make its way to my wish-list very soon. In today's post, I would like to include the first two myths of boundaries, and I will continue to post them in subsequent posts.
Common Boundary Myths
It should be now be understood that setting boundaries is important both for the development of individual persons and for growth in a relationship. Nevertheless, many Christians have severe difficulties with setting and maintaining boundaries, partially because they believe boundaries to be directed against all Christian values and partially because they are afraid of the consequences. Therefore we have to deal with some common myths about boundaries, that sound so true but nevertheless have little to do with reality.
Myth 1: If I set boundaries, I am being selfish.
This objection against setting boundaries is raised by Christians who fear being considered as self-centered, interested only in their own concerns and not those of others. They rightly point out that we are to be loving people, concerned for the welfare of others. In fact, the love for one another is the number one hallmark of Christians, as pointed out in the Bible over and over again (Matthew 19:19 & 22:19, Luke 10:27, John 13:35, Romans 13:10, Galatians 5:14, James 2:8). Don't boundaries turn us away from that ideal toward self-centeredness?
Quite the opposite is true. Appropriate boundaries actually make us able to care about others. In fact, people with highly developed limits are the most caring people in the world. How can this be?
Basically it is because they experience that their own needs are taken care of, so they have plenty of energy to care about others.
We all have needs, desires, and wishes. Selfishness only looks at our own wishes and desires, but not at what we really need. As a consequence, we lose balance and our focus on healthy goals and our responsibility to love others. For instance, some may desperately need help with the fact that they are terrible listeners or that they cannot share their possessions. But they may not desire this. God is much more interested in meeting our needs than granting all our wishes.
But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:19)
That doesn't mean our wishes are ``all bad''. God will meet many of them but they are certainly less important.
Nevertheless, although God takes care of our need, he expects our participation. It is our responsibility to ask, seek, and knock (Matthew 7:7), before we can receive, find, and get doors opened. There will be little spiritual and emotional growth if we do not bring our needs before God and do everything we can to get these needs fulfilled. Taking care of our own life is stewardship, not selfishness, because because we properly manage this precious gift from God instead of neglecting it due to a lack of boundaries.
Myth 2: Boundaries are a sign of disobedience and unsubmissiveness.
Quite a few Christians fear that setting and keeping limits is a signal of rebellion and disobedience. They believe that saying no to something good is an expression of an unresponsive heart, so they participate in almost every Church activity that comes along. But in fact, doing so has no genuine spiritual or emotional value. If we don't give freely and cheerfully but rather out of a sense of duty, our heart is not in it and this is not what God wants (recall 2. Corinthians 9:7).
What do we achieve with complying outwardly while becoming resentful on the inside? What is the value of a half-hearted yes where we would love to say no but are afraid to do so? God is much more concerned with our heart than with our outward compliance.
For I desired mercy, and not sacrifice; and the knowledge of God more than burnt offerings (Hosea 6:6)
Outwardly saying yes when we really mean no is the same as lying. There will be no blessing on what we do then, because we do it half-hearted anyway. It is better not to do it at all.
Can boundaries be a sign of disobedience? They sure are, if we say no to good things for wrong and selfish reasons, and therefore we should always check our motives for saying no. But a lack of boundaries is even worse, because it leads to dishonesty and resentment and ultimately to disobedience and rebellion.
http://www.cs.cornell.edu/Info/People/kreitz/Christian/Boundaries/all.html
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